Although I have considered myself an atheist for most of my life, in the past few years I have come to trust in God. As a child, I was taught that if I didn’t believe in Jesus’s atonement for mankind’s sin (consisting of His death and resurrection) then I would go to hell - a place of eternal torment. I was also taught that God is a loving, just, and merciful God. But what is just, loving, or merciful about sending people to hell to suffer torments forever? And why should people go to hell depending on their beliefs about the divinity of Christ? I could also not understand why this wonderful God would allow His creatures to suffer in horrible ways right here on earth.
I still don’t believe that God will send you to hell if you don’t believe in Christ’s atoning death and resurrection. I don’t believe in hell at all. I still don’t understand why a loving, omnipotent, omniscient God allows horrible suffering, despite the many books I have read about free will and willful ignorance. But I don’t experience God as being omnipotent or omniscient. What has changed is that I now have faith that there is a “dimension of reality that is much deeper and more real than anything that could be grasped by science or reason” (John Haught, “God and the New Atheism”). I believe in a God of perfect love. I can bring my concerns, fears, and anxieties to God and thus unburden myself.
Of course, the question comes up, “How do you know that what you believe to be God is real and not just wishful thinking?” The best way I can answer that is to use the example of solipsism (a theory holding that the self can know nothing but its own modifications and that the self is the only existent thing). How can I really know that I’m not just dreaming up everything I consider to be real? But yet I do know that there is a reality apart from myself. It’s this same kind of innate knowing that grounds my belief in a God of perfect love.
Why doesn’t everyone experience the reality of God? Why do I now experience the reality of God, but did not experience the reality of God earlier in my life? These questions undermine my postulate of innate knowledge of the reality of God. But I still don’t believe in the God that I used to not believe in. I still don’t believe that the Bible is inerrant. On the other hand, during my atheistic phase I would never have claimed that the underlying Spirit of Life is perfect love.
I freely admit I cannot give good reasons or evidence for my present belief. Maybe the best I can do is to say that I choose to believe in a God of perfect love. I do know that I am interested in the sincere views of others concerning the reality of God. John Haught writes, “As distinct from those who allow themselves to be gradually transformed by a dialogical encounter with the views of others, extremists fear that open conversation will lead at best to a softening of the hard mound of certainty on which they believe they stand.” Let the dialogue continue.
-Kmit